31

I can't seem to remember the last romantic comedy starring Hugh Grant or Meg Ryan. I don't have any recollection of the last film I saw that made me call loved ones with the simple intent of reminding them how much I care. I have never seen a play or musical that motivates me to go the extra mile and embrace the love I have found or hope to find in life.

I have experienced death. I have experienced persecution, opposition, and degradation. I have been privy to seeing loved ones beat. I have been beaten. I have closely followed the progress and demise of disease in those I've cared for. I have closely followed the progress and demise of circumstance in my own life. I have lived through and witnessed catastrophe in the world. 

I haven't arrived at a place of love through witness of and participation in love itself. I have arrived at a place of love with an eye set and focussed on cruelty. I have essentially found my understanding of love by entering through the back door. 

Question: How does one truly learn what love is?

Answer: By experiencing what love truly is not.

As an artist I am often tempted to deliver emotion via path of least resistance. I refuse to.

When I wanted to write about homophobia and hate of gays I didn't produce something horribly sentimental and desperate for tears of emotional understanding and approval. Instead, I beat my gays and covered them with "blood" in an unrelenting attack on the sociological understanding of homosexuality of my audience. 

**** FUTURE ****

If I wanted to write about the plight of Jews in Nazi Germany I would expand the last 2 minutes of gas chamber conversation into an hour long piece.

If I wanted to write about the devastation of 9/11 I would stage a series of monologues delivered from plane seats as the jets flew through the towers. Time lapsed, of course.

If I wanted to express the horrifying discord in trust that comes from infidelity I would require husband and wife to discuss the affair WHILE he screwed his mistress.

///////////////////////////////

???

Okay?

I don't enjoy pain. I don't enjoy suffering. I just make more sense of pain and suffering by experiencing it falsely before needing to experience it realistically.

Bloody bloody. Ouch. Eww. 

I love you.

THIRTY

I always begin blogs with the best of intentions.

Dear Diary,

My name is John and I am 27 years old and I promise to be your best friend and write in you every single day.

Your pal,

Big Fat Liar

I try. This is a general post aimed at at least getting things down on digital paper lest I forget the significance of the past 1.5 months. I will elaborate on things later... I promised Dear Diary. Specifically, there will be separate posts about the Foreman internship and my 1/2 marathon.

A list for now.

1.) Got a job at Starbucks. Working hard for little money but I'll get health insurance which is a big deal for struggling artists like myself. I work on 73rd and Columbus. It takes me 45 minutes to get to work. I get angry every time I pass the Starbucks by my apartment on the way to the train knowing how much easier it would be if THAT ONE would have been hiring. 

2.) I ran the NYC 1/2 Marathon on behalf of The American Cancer Society on August 16th. It took me 2 hours and 23 minutes to run 13.1 miles. About six months ago I could barely run 1.5 miles without stopping.

3.) I've started my internship with Richard Foreman's Ontological Hysteric Theatre. The production is Idiot Savant starring Willem Dafoe being produced at The Public Theater. I have operated a table saw. 

4.) It is titty sweat hot/humid. I look forward to October. 

5.) I lost my camera on the subway and had a panic attack over it. 

6.) I've hallucinated seeing my cat lying in the corner a few times before remembering that she is now with a loving family who adopted her in Phoenix. 

7.) I am dating absolutely no one. Especially not fashion models. Especially not orange skinned fashion models. 

8.) I've learned that a Chipotle burrito, burrito bowl, et al. costs about $2 more in NYC than in Arizona. At least this is the case at the location near my work. 

9.) I saw Tori Amos at Radio City and she was amazing. 

I. NEED. MORE. TIME.

TWENTY NINE

TWENTY EIGHT

TWENTY SEVEN

TWENTY SIX AND 3/4

If you confronted a sex addict with concern regarding a possible problem, would you do it with your junk hanging out? I think not. 

Evaluation time.

Vanish.

TWENTY FIVE

RUNNING LOG ENTRY

4 mile week

Monday 4 mile 43:10

Thursday 4 mile 41:03

Sunday 4 mile 39:30

This week was harder than weeks with longer runs. The monotony of the same was a struggle. I did it. But. If I had such a hard time with 3 four mile runs.... how am I going to be okay with the 6 and 7 next week?