ONE

Finally I'm not running away. 

I'm running towards. 

He's there. 

It's there. 

Everything is there. 

A leisurely stroll on casual legs won't get me there quickly enough. 

And so I run.

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I'm running a 1/2 marathon in NYC on August 16th.

I fucking better not fall.  I really better not fucking fall....

But if I do fall, I better fall hardcore so people feel sorry for me and help rather than laugh. Or someone attractive better fall on top of me, kiss my forehead, pull me up, run by my side, cross the finish line with me, take me out for pasta, marry me, and buy me a puppy. That's the only way falling is going to be acceptable. Or if I fall, I better become super thin on impact. Or I better find a grant that is only for people who fall while running 1/2 marathons. Or I better fall on a winning lottery ticket so I can make a difference.

And. There better not be mud to weigh me down and keep from flying. My treadmill doesn't have a mud function so I'm not sure what that would be like. I would assume laborious and erotic.

Do you remember when you hated running? (I'm talking to myself) Yes. Yes, I do. (I'm answering myself) I also remember when I hated almonds and opera. These days are different. I now enjoy running while singing opera and chewing almonds. Maybe I'm looking for inner strength? Super. I think I just want to be thin. No. Well, yes, I do. But no. Maybe I want to be healthy. Absolutely, are you kidding? Maybe I want heaven. There is a point during my run where I reach a place of bliss and inspiration. That feeling doesn't come without the run. No drug I've touched in my life has ever come close. Sure, drugs and alcohol mess me up more but this is pure, uncut, and clean. Which is why there better not be mud. And I better not fall lest my touching the sky be crapped on by my pride.

So. There are things that I want. I want love. I want artistic success measured by my ability to keep on making it. I want health. I want skinny. I want to make a difference. I want to help. Usually I feel as if I'm running from these things I want. I run because I'm not sure I can get them. When I run (in my running shoes), I feel able and ready. I can see the boy I have a crush on reach out to me and be what I need him to be. I can see the grant and fellowship committees reviewing my proposals, standing up together, and literally applauding my words. I can see myself walking down the street not thinking about holding in my stomach. I can see myself raising millions for causes I care so much about.

When I run, I see myself running towards and not away. With each day that I get myself out of bed earlier than I need to and go out to run, I feel that motivation seeping deeper and deeper into my daily life.

I'm realistic. I won't obtain love, artistic success, or ideal body image during the course of one race. BUT. I can and will give to a cause that I've wanted to contribute to for so long but have never been able to financially. The American Cancer Society. I'm running for myself and for them.

I suppose it is possible that I might fall on the perfect man with the winning lottery ticket in his pocket who is also in cahoots with MacArthur and Guggenheim. He might also have a magic pill that will finally give me physical confidence. I'm going to keep that option open come race day.

For now, I'm going to run in pursuit of those things individually.... and I'm going to run for curing cancer. It's a start.

This weeks training schedule:

5/4-  2 miles

5/6-  5 miles

5/9-  6 miles

Strength and non-impact cardio every day not listed except for Friday which is the day before my long run of the week. Just rest. 

I better not fucking fall.