TWENTY ONE

ALL ABOUT DATE RAPE or ANNE AND ME HAVE BABIES

I keep walking into things. These things aren't like sparkling clean paned glass windows. These are brick walls that I know will leave a bruise. I don't just walk into them. I see them in the distance and run full force knowing what is to come. Splat.

I'm ready to meet people... I think. I'm a bit frustrated. I keep finding and pursuing things that I know I shouldn't. The issue is not one of self-control. Rather, I'm so interested in sharing things with another person that I make conscious choices to step into flames hoping that maybe this time it won't burn but instead warm me to the core.

Some pursuits have been more logical than others. Some held promise of actually being able to be around the other person in the future. Perhaps not the immediate future but in the future nonetheless. Others were a tad bit futile. I'm just very ready to love... to be loved... to hold and be held. I'm very ready to talk and to expose my soul and rummage through the soul of another.

*simulated jack off hand gesture with a raspberry noise*

Corny. Pathetic. Ridiculous. Beautiful.

BUT.

I can't have it now apparently.

A theme seems to be surfacing that has not much to do with my current state of purgatory. It seems that a huge amount of men are scared to death of having someone treat them well. Here's the deal. When I truly have an interest in a person, I go to the ends of the earth for them. I do a lot. Too much sometimes. And I think a lot of people are afraid of being treated like royalty. I always think that maybe it's my flaw to fix... my burden to carry... but more and more I'm shifting into the mindset that all I've come across are boys. No men. Boys who don't know what they want. Boys who have somehow programmed themselves to feel they don't deserve five star treatment.

I'll tell you one thing. I DESERVE IT. And I give it. And if I give it and you shun it?... Or. If I give it and you don't RETURN it? ...

You gots to go. I don't have the time or the patience to convince you that you deserve my love. And I certainly don't have the time to be involved and look at my watch waiting for you to reciprocate.

You see, I've got other things going on. I have a career to nurture and friends and family to support. I've got showers to take and nights that need at least 5-6 hours of sleep. I can't neglect all of that because you need a lengthy presentation on romance complete with visual aids. I can't ignore all of the other incredible parts of my life because your balls haven't yet dropped and you are still chasing after bullshit.

One of a few things are going to happen in the future when it comes to this mess.

1.) A MAN... not a boy... is going to come along and treat me well from the start and initiate the taking care of and show me.

2.) A MAN... not a boy... is going to be shy and let me treat them well for a brief amount of time before stepping up and giving back.

or

3.) I'm going to marry Anne Wareing.

I'm not about to settle for anything less than maturity, honesty, humor, and unbridled passion.

When you kiss me, it better be good.

When you touch me, it better be tender but firm with clear intent from the start.

When you speak to me, you better make me laugh HARD.

When you meet me, you better look me in the eye.

When we embrace, you better smell like heaven.

When we wake up in the morning, you better roll over and get into my arms.

When we go out places, you better not hide me for one moment.

When we see a movie, you better hold my hand and squeeze at the good parts. Or bad ones.

When you see my art, you better tell me what you think AND WHY.

When we get ready to go to dinner, you better help me tie my tie even if you're bad at it.

When we make love, you better tell me I'm beautiful and tolerate my insecurity because as soon as you do... look out.

This is a lot to ask for...


This life is too short to settle for mediocrity. I'd rather be alone until I'm 50 and find this than to put myself into a relationship that will leave me feeling trapped and alone.


My biggest fear is that... he... will be too afraid to settle into it.


You know when you start to fall asleep and you are so very peaceful and calm and then the sleep gets increasingly calm and peaceful until finally it is too calm and you involuntarily jerk yourself out of it?


My biggest fear is that... he... will do THAT because he can't let me hold him and lay him gently into the beauty of what we could become.


And that, my friends, is when the kids resort to using the newfangled date rape tablets.


Don't make me drug you. Just man up.